OpinionFebruary 17, 20256 min readUnderstanding Your Introverted Kids Needs Will Help Them SucceedThere is nothing wrong with quieter, introverted kids. Recognizing what makes them tick can help them confidently navigate an extroverted worldBy Megha Satyanarayana edited by Dan Vergano Malte Mueller/Getty ImagesMy kids live on different planets.My daughter is bold and loud, talkative and active. She is happiest climbing and swinging, and if she had six playdates in a weekend, it still wouldnt be enough. My son, on the other hand, is more thoughtful and quiet. He spends a lot of time understanding a problem before trying to solve it. He is content to play with the same two kids every day at school. But hes just as happy to play alone, or play next to me while I do dishes or hammer away on my computer.These kids are far too young for popular personality tests, but already, I see that my daughter is more extroverted and my son, more introverted. Last summer, we took my daughter to overnight camp and stayed in a vacation rental nearby. Almost every morning, my son and I got up early and went to the beach, just us, to watch birds and look for shells. As he rooted around in the sand, as we meandered the early morning coastline, I could see how happy he was, how these low-key, contemplative outings completely filled his bucket in a way they never would his sister. I started to wonder: Am I meeting his need for slow moments? Am I meeting his need for quiet?On supporting science journalismIf you're enjoying this article, consider supporting our award-winning journalism by subscribing. By purchasing a subscription you are helping to ensure the future of impactful stories about the discoveries and ideas shaping our world today.I am more extroverted, a social butterfly with many groups of friends and a penchant for throwing a good party. But opposites attract, and my life is full of people who are more introverted, including my partner and one of my best friends. I get that these personality traits are a spectrum, and that most of us are ambiverts, but the structure of societyand often childhoodis geared toward rewarding those of us who are louder, flashier, chattier, social, even as some estimates place 57 percent of people as introverts. Years ago, in an effort to be a better friend, co-worker and human, I decided to learn more. I picked up Susan Cains book Quiet, an eye-opening treatise into the power and wisdom of the more introspective people around us. Her work clearly lays out why the professional world needs to pay attention to, and create workplace environments that also benefit, quieter people. Quiet gives people like me a playbook for how to make space for, support and champion introverts.But the book is mostly about adults. With my son in mind, I reached out to Susan. I wanted to know: Are the rules different for kids? How do I best serve my little introvert?[An edited transcript of the interview follows.]I think the big overarching question is what does an introverted kid need thats different from an extroverted one. How do we, as parents, give them what they need to be successful? There are so many questions in there! Number one, for children who are quieter and shy, theres a difference between those two things. An introverted child is one who just kind of prefers less overwhelmingly stimulating environments, and often wants to socialize, but in quieter ways, like with one other kid at a time. A shy child might actually be very extroverted and enjoy the company of lots of kids in a kind of big, boisterous environment. But with shyness, its more about social anxiety and the fear of being judged, so the first thing is really to identify where the childs quiet behavior comes from.Okay. I think with my kid, its definitely that he likes less stimulating environments. He takes a long time to warm up to new places just as much as new people. Yes, these kids have a longer runway. Ill give you the example of a child learning to swim. Very often these kids will be tentative around the water for the first time. You dont just want to throw them in the pool, which is sort of one school of parenting. But neither do you want to overprotect them. So maybe you go to the pool on a day where you know its going to be empty, and maybe the drill for that day is you encourage your child to dip one toe in the water, and then you celebrate and go for ice cream. And then you go back a few days later, and this time theyre in up to their knees, and you do it little by little from there. Eventually the child learns to swim, and you cannot tell the difference between that child and the one who leapt in right away.Youre letting them know that what they are feeling is normal, and that they can learn to manage these feelings and work through them.That makes sense. A big transition is the first day of school, or a new school. How do we help? One of my kids schools hosts playdates at the school playground to get the kids accustomed to the school itself. Yeah, so thats getting together at a playground with a big noisy group of kids. If your kid wants to play, thats fine, but if not, I would say identify other parents and kids that you think your child might get along with and arrange a solo playdate over the summer, there or somewhere else.Often for quieter kids the route to social life is through these bridge friends. Its getting to know one person at a time. Kenneth Rubin and Andrea Thompson wrote a book called The Friendship Factor, and it looks at this concern that kids who arent as social might have problems in their future lives. Based on their research, as long as that child has one or two friends, thats their social connection, and thats all they need to live a happy, successful rewarding life.So maybe on the first day of school try to get there earlier, so that they are one of the first kids in the classroom, and its still quiet and not overwhelming. Basically, the rule of thumb is: try to introduce the child to a new situation on their own terms.Do you think then that we should advocate for our introverted kid at school? Talk to their teacher about ways to involve them that honor their skills? Im always worried about being a helicopter parent.Definitely reach out to the teacher. Just let them know, Hey, I wanted to let you know something about my child and get your advice or My child is slower to warm up, so how would you feel about pairing him with Johnny to do something one-on-one? Or, for an older kid, maybe you say, I know she does really well if she knows in advance you are going to call on her but shes really nervous about being called on just cold. Most teachers are pretty receptive if you approach them as partners. And theres a way teachers can frame their feedback to show they understand a quieter child. Instead of Sophie must learn to speak up in class, which, I will tell you, from all the years of hearing from Sophies, makes them feel terrible and stays with them for years, try Sophie is a deep thinker, and we always love to hear what she comes up with.Weve been talking about younger kids, but what about older kids and teenagers? How do we best meet their needs? One of the most important routes for an older child to flourish, a quieter one, is developing mastery in areas they are passionate about. It might be tennis, or chess, it could be anything, but I would lean into cultivating that mastery because the research shows that self-esteem comes from mastery rather than the other way around. And those passion areas are a great road to friendship for introverted kids because often they arent interested in just socializing for its own sake, but they might love talking to their friend on the fencing team. Theres a common bond in that activity.Thank you. Is there anything else you think is important here? Anything my extroverted brain isnt thinking of? This sounds hokey, but it really isnt. A child needs to understand that their parents love and honor them for who they are. Ive gotten thousands of letters over the years from parents, but also children who feel they didnt get that signal, who felt that it was inadvertently communicated to them that there was something wrong with this way of being. That creates a shame that that child then carries around with them. So parents need to do the inner work on that, because when introverts have parents who truly get them, that goes a very long way.This is an opinion and analysis article, and the views expressed by the author or authors are not necessarily those of Scientific American.