Learn to look for the signs of an argument.You probably know the signs of when the narcissist in your life is going to start an argument. Noel Hendrickson/ Getty Images Scigliano said when you're familiar with the narcissist in your life, you'll learn their patterns. But some common signs a narcissist is gearing up for an argument include "physical agitation, facial expressions becoming sinister, darkened eyes, and a change in their posture to become more imposing or intimidating. Their voice may also suddenly get deeper or sterner, she said."Whatever the signs may be, they will reflect the narcissist's desire to regain control of the situation or reestablish their authority," Scigliano said. Expect name-calling or the silent treatment.After an argument, a narcissist might ignore you for hours. Maria Korneeva/ Getty Images Fights with a narcissist are very different from regular relationship spats, Elinor Greenberg, a psychologist and author of "Borderline, Narcissistic, and Schizoid Adaptations: The Pursuit of Love, Admiration, and Safety," told BI in 2023.Some of her clients have screamed at her over minor inconveniences, such as packages arriving during their session."If they're going to yell at me over the UPS man, you can see just how hard it is for them to have a relationship without getting nasty," she said.When offended, narcissists may accuse their partner of being "disrespectful" or "selfish." The world revolves around them, in their eyes, so focusing on anything else feels like a direct attack.Narcissistic rage ranges from direct confrontation with name-calling and insults to calculated, closed-down reactions like giving their partner the silent treatment for hours."They give you the cold shoulder, or they walk out and they find another partner," Greenberg said. "But it's all done silently and coolly and coldly you know what you did. Know you'll find yourself going in circles.Arguing with a narcissist can be frustrating. Tetra Images/Getty Images Expect to feel frustrated with how the argument seems to be going nowhere."Because narcissists are fantastic at spinning others around in their webs of manipulation, you can easily become disoriented as to how the argument even began, frustrated over their circular arguments, and hopeless with regard to resolving anything," Scigliano said."Oftentimes, people give up and give in just for the sake of ending the argument and reestablishing a modicum of peace," she said. Don't argue about "right" and "wrong."Don't try to win an argument with a narcissist. Gorodenkoff/Shutterstock There's no point trying to figure out who is "to blame" for something, as narcissists will never admit fault. They're also not necessarily trying to "win" the argument."Be aware that narcissists don't argue to prove a point," divorce attorney Derek Jacques of The Mitten Law Firm told BI in 2023. "They argue to feel a rush of satisfaction of putting you down and belittling you." Instead, try to empathize with their feelings.Empathy might help calm a narcissist during an argument. Dima Berlin/Getty Images Some therapists debate whether narcissists mean to cause harm to their loved ones. Regardless of their intent, their attacks can still wound those around them.Narcissists become "visibly disappointed, frustrated, angry, and at times, violent when they don't receive the feedback, praise, and admiration they expect, especially from partners," Terrell Strayhorn, a professor of education and psychology at Virginia Union University, told BI in 2023."Their superiority complex compels them to lash out verbally, emotionally, psychologically, and physically against those who disappoint them," Strayhorn said.One way to soothe a narcissist is to empathize with their feelings, Greenberg said.If you are in a relationship with a narcissist, you might naturally have a lot of empathy. You may be able to use that trait to help control the situation.Greenberg suggested saying something like, "You must have felt very hurt by what I did. I can understand why you are feeling that way." Stay calm, and use "we" language.Stay away from "I" or "you" statements. SimonSkafar/Getty Images Saying "we" rather than "I" or "you" includes yourself in the behavior, Greenberg said. The narcissist is probably angry that you dared to defend yourself, so you can try and remind them you're in this together and that it would be better for everyone to stop.Scigliano also recommended remaining calm, not sharing your feelings, and sticking only to the facts."Expressing emotions makes it easier for the narcissist to twist the conversation around and work you into a tizzy," she said. Redirect them by asking about a topic that interests them.Try to divert their attention to a new topic. Fiordaliso/Getty Images Narcissists love talking about themselves and can be know-it-alls.Dangle a new topic in front of their face to steer the conversation away from conflict. This might not be that effective in the midst of a fierce debate, but after some time has passed, the narcissist will probably take the bait.Another tactic is to ask for advice. It's a slightly less transparent way of changing the subject that also makes the narcissist feel superior. Avoid taking the bait yourself.Ignore their insults. irinamunteanu/Getty Images As retaliation for whatever hurt they feel you've caused them, narcissists will bring up past slights or accuse you of being selfish at that moment.One way to deal with a narcissist is to "avoid engaging with them on their level," Jacques said. That could mean biting your tongue, even as they're spewing insults at you.Even an innocuous statement might provide a narcissist with ammo, Jacques said. "Take those opportunities away from them and you remove their power."Greenberg also said that by ignoring the name-calling, you can often avoid the fight. If you respond to it, things are likely to escalate, and you're giving the narcissist exactly what they want your pain. Remember to put yourself first.You might need to break things off with the narcissist in your life. Delmaine Donson/Getty Images Being in a romantic relationship with a narcissist can be an emotionally draining, damaging process. Using these methods to deal with a narcissist may help deescalate upsetting and potentially dangerous, situations.For most people, though, breaking up with a narcissist is the better, safer option. The very nature of being a narcissist means they don't see anything wrong with themselves, so they are unlikely to ever change or seek help. Ultimately, your energy is better off being used elsewhere.If you suspect you might be in an abusive relationship, or you know someone who is, there are services you can reach out to. The MyPlan App from One Love and the National Domestic Abuse Hotline are resources that can help.This article was first published in February 2018 and was last updated on January 10, 2025.