I am pleased (?) to report that Snow Whites atrocious Party City dress isnt actually the worst costume in Disneys new live-action remake of its 1937 animated classic Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs. That honor belongs to the outfit worn by Jonathan (Andrew Burnap), the new male lead, whos more like Tangleds Flynn Rider than like the original movies Prince Florian. For whatever reason, Jonathan sports what I can only describe as a jean-jacket-and-hoodie combination. Sure, its dyed a forest green in an attempt to make it fit into the movies fantasy vibes, but it doesnt work at all.I cant stop thinking about this jean-jacket-and-hoodie combination, because it really speaks to my issues with the movie as a whole. Not only is Snow Whites costume and production design distractingly sloppy, but that particular outfit and character are so discordant with the movies tone and plotline that it undermines anything the movie might have going for it. Every character and subplot feels like it was brought in from a different movie. While each of them has some potential, theyre working against each other in one tangled mess of a movie.[Ed. note: This review contains setup spoilers for the 2025 live-action Snow White.]The new Snow White comes from director Marc Webb (The Amazing Spider-Man), with a script from Secretarys Erin Cressida Wilson and music by Dear Evan Hansens Benj Pasek and Justin Paul. Rachel Zegler (West Side Story, The Ballad of Songbirds & Snakes) stars as Snow White, a perfectly pretty and sweet princess whos been working as a maid in the castle since her evil stepmother (Gal Gadot) became queen after her fathers disappearance. A brief prologue shows us that once upon a time, Snow Whites parents ruled the land with kindness, baking apple pies for the common folk and dancing in the streets with them. But with the Evil Queen on the throne, people starve.Snow White doesnt really know anything about this, though, until she catches a thief in a bad hoodie (hi, Jonathan) stealing potatoes from the castle pantry. The Queen sentences Jonathan to be tied to the castle gates, but Snow White frees him from his public humiliation. When the Magic Mirror decrees that Snow has surpassed the Queen in beauty, the Queen sends a huntsman (Ansu Kabia) to kill the princess. Instead, he lets Snow White run away into the woods. There, she stumbles upon a quaint little cottage where a family of seven uncanny-looking CGI dwarves live.In this version of the familiar fairy tale, instead of staying in the cottage, Snow White insists on leaving so she doesnt bring danger to the dwarves. Then she stumbles across Jonathan and his band of merry men in the forest. She learns more about whats been going on in the kingdom and realizes she needs to do something about it. Meanwhile, Jonathan is so inspired by her sweet heart and goodness that he decides hes done with only thieving for himself and his friends, and he needs to take a stand. Oh, also, they meet up with the dwarves again.Adding more plot to Snow White isnt an inherently bad idea lets be honest, this is a pretty simplistic story. But the problem with Webbs movie is that nothing feels tonally cohesive. Each character comes from a completely different genre, and theyre all patchwork creations, as if the writer, actor, musicians, and costume designers were each given different notes about each characters identity.Gadot is acting like shes the Big Bad in a dark fantasy movie, but shes given a ridiculously campy patter song that would soar if someone with any comedic chops at all performed it. She performs so stiffly and seriously that the darker moments of her character feel on the verge of being comically over the top, though they never quite get there. Instead, shes in a weird limbo: The Queen never feels like a serious character or a comedic one. Her costume design also contradicts itself. Her steep stained-glass crown is gorgeous and intimidating, but her gowns look like theyre made out of those sequins that turn different colors when you rub your hand against the grain, and she sports jeweled rings that resemble Ring Pops.Meanwhile, Burnaps Jonathan is right out of a self-aware off-Broadway musical circa 2013, with his little anachronistic outfit and the quippy asides he mutters to himself. His big song is called Princess Problems, and he rags on Snow White for wanting to solve the kingdoms oppression with the power of apple pies. His gang of bandits has a similar energy, which wouldnt be out of place in something purposefully anachronistic, like Ella Enchanted. But as it stands, theyre just jarringly out of place with the movies other elements.Zegler is the only one acting like shes in a Disney Princess movie. Shes in a genre where the leading lady has such a pure and true heart that she can win over anyone just by remembering their name, batting her big eyes at them, and extending a hand of kindness. This isnt a bad thing at all the 2015 Cinderella and the 1997 made-for-TV Cinderella similarly evoked those sincere fairy-tale vibes with great success.Even though the dwarves look frankly disturbing (yes, movie textures have gone too far), Zeglers take on Snow White works best when shes with them. Her big I Want song is generic, but she sings with so much heart that I couldnt help but be swept away a little. But when shes wearing a cheap-looking dress with a necklace that looks like it came off the Claires sales rack, and juxtaposed with Jonathans snarky Excuse me, princess attitude and whatever the hell Gadot is doing, all the power of her performance is sapped.This new Snow White movie has been catching a lot of flak for a lot of different reasons. People were mad that Zegler (who is half-white) isnt white enough. People were mad that she said the 1937 movie is dated. People were mad when Disney said the movie wouldnt include the dwarves; people were mad when Disney said it would include the dwarves. And havent we had enough live-action remakes? Conceptually, this movie was doomed from the start. It was never going to please everyone, because everyone had a different idea of what the heck it should be.But it seems like the filmmakers also had no idea what the movie should be. Instead of sticking to any one clear vision, the new Snow White has dozens of half-baked ideas that could be good, or at least cohesive. But they never rise to anything beyond flimsy concepts, seemingly tacked on to appeal to radically different quadrants of the intended audience.In the prologue, Snow Whites father gives her a necklace with the words Fearless, Fair, Brave, True stamped across it. That sentiment might seem sweet if Disney hadnt already pulled the same assign a princess some adjectives with its live-action Cinderella (have courage and be kind) and its Mulan remake. (Loyal, brave, and true they couldnt even come up with new adjectives for Snow!) The moment is a flimsy attempt to hammer heart into a story. And with its distractingly clunky chain and default font settings, the necklace doesnt even look good. Snow White is supposed to be a story about how inner beauty is more important than outer beauty, but honestly, this movie has neither.Snow White opens in theaters on March 21.