Spurred on by a New York Post story about Pope Francis opening "five sacred portals" this Christmas, the goofier corners of the social media world are breathlessly sharing warnings that the Pope is planning to open the "Tomb of Lucifer," or the Devil's Tomb this holiday season. The TikTok video below, from GraceXDigital, has been viewed more than 2 million times and explains the whole conspiracy theory. Grace is asking the Pope important questions, like "Why are you doing this this year, in this economy?" While The Pope is opening five portals to close out 2024, I regret to inform you that His Holiness is not planning to open the Tomb of Lucifernothing that awesome ever happens. There is a tomb of Lucifer under the Vatican, but it's not as cool as you'd hope. Nothing in this story is not as cool as you'd hope.What are these portals the Pope is opening?The Pope is actually going to be opening five sacred portals as part of a ritual this year, but "portal" just means "door," and four of the five doors lead to well known basilicas. Despite what some internet cranks are saying, it's not the first time this has happened either: The ritual happens every 25 years, and is meant to usher in a year renewed in hope for Catholics. So basically, it's the Pope doing Pope junk. The only never-happened-before part of the story is Pope Francis putting his own spin on the ritual by opening a fifth door inside the Roman prison Rebibbia on Dec. 26. It's meant to offer prisoners a sign to "look to the future with hope and a renewed sense of confidence." The door opening is symbolic, so the prisoners will not be freed to run rampant in Rome. The Tomb of Lucifer and the Vatican NecropolisThe one slightly cool part of the story: There is a city of the dead under the Vatican that has a tomb of Lucifer, and you can visit it. The Vatican Necropolis lies 15 to 24 feet below Saint Peter's Basilica, near the site of the Circus of Caligula. Originally an open-air cemetery, the necropolis dates back to the Roman Empire and supposedly contains the remains of the Apostle Peter along with the skeletons of various Popes and other prominent early Catholics. Also found here: the Tomb of Lucifer.But it's not the Lucifer, the Morning Star, the fallen angel who became the head of the demons. That Lucifer's ultimate fate is murky. Maybe he's still alive, subtly convincing people to cheat at Monopoly, or maybe he's in Heaven because he found redemption, or maybe he's in Newark. (According to Dante, Lucifer is in the deepest circle of the abyss, frozen in ice and forced to beat his wings for eternity to power Hell, so I'll go with that.) In any case, the angelic Lucifer isn't a person, so he doesn't have a tomb.According to the Vatican's own Necropolis map, Tomb U is labeled "Lucifer." The Vatican says: "The entrance to the tomb has been reduced because of a fault in the architrave. It is possible, however, to glimpse some of the niches with their characteristic red background and several arcosoli." Red backgrounds? It's gotta be Satan. But nah: The construction of this tomb pre-dates the association of the name "Lucifer" with the devil. We don't actually know why it's called the Lucifer tomb. It might be a reference to some graffiti found around there, or a reference to an important Catholic with that name. It's not referring to the devil, though. Why are there so many Catholic conspiracy theories anyway?Why the Pope opening some doors in Vatican City became a conspiracy theory on TikTok is a complex question. America's history of anti-Catholicism dates back to before the United States was even a thing. While those deep cultural and historical biases are probably part of it, I think the main reason people traffic in this sort of conspiratorial thinking is more innocent: the Catholic Church is really old and really weird, and people like a little spice in their Christmas eggnog. People also like putting together puzzles, and the Catholic Church gives you a lot of pieces to play with. The Vatican is an ancient city full of tunnels, crumbling Roman ruins, and a Necropolis under a basilica. The Pope controls a city-state, can speak with God's voice, and wears some very impressive hats. It's the kind of set-up where anything seems like it could be happening at any time, including the Pope digging up Satan's grave, maybe so they can fight. Like many conspiracy theorists, the author Dan Brown, and the developers of the Assassin's Creed video games, I want the awesome things to be real too. I want a flashy showdown in Vatican City between angels and demons (and aliens). But good and evil don't work that way in real life. Even if you dress up the "good guys" in elaborate headgear, they're still fallible old men51% good on a good day. Evil doesn't reside in a tomb and come at you with flaming swords. It would be cool if the Pope could call on the power of his big buddy God to smite those who need smiting, but despite the hats, scepters, and symbolic authority, the best the Pope can do is throw open some old doors in the papal palace and maybe try to get people to maybe think about the plight of prisoners.