In the nearly 40 years since the one-two punch of Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home and Star Trek: The Next Generation ignited my enthusiasm for Gene Roddenberrys sci-fi juggernaut, Ive seen the franchise through highs (the Dominion War arc on Deep Space Nine, the movie First Contact, the ongoing Paramount+ series Strange New Worlds) and lows (the VoyagerEnterprisePicards first season). But with it all, theres a phrase Ive never said in reaction to any film or show under the TrekStar TrekInitially conceived as a spin-off series for Michelle Yeohs Star Trek: Discovery character, Terran Emperor-turned-undercover-Federation-do-gooder Philippa Georgiou, Section 31 arrives on Paramount+ as 100 minutes of generic schlock containing only trace elements of Star Trek. If you were to scrub the tricorder sound effects from the mix, brush out an occasional Delta shield, and cut out its titular black-ops organizations connection to Starfleet, youd just think, gee, this chintzy Syfy movie sure knows to copy from The Hunger Games and Guardians of the GalaxyX-MenThe Fifth Element) but doesnt know a damn thing about being original. Or engaging.Though it would still be boring, Section 31 might actually be better if you come to it with no knowledge of Star TrekIll try to lay out the premise as quickly as possible, though Section 31s boiled-down form doesnt make that the easiest task. After flashing back to Philippas bloody ascendance to the throne of what we used to call the Mirror Universe, we find where she landed after peacing out from Section 31 in Discoverys third season: outside of Federation space, running a cosmic Ricks Caf Amricain where the main attraction seems to be low lighting and music that sounds like it was produced in 2024. Her former, secretive outfit has been reimagined as an Impossible Mission Force or Charlies Angels with Yeohs Everything Everywhere All at Once pal Jamie Lee Curtis handing out assignments and somehow the group has tracked Georgiou down and knows that some bad guy is coming to do an illegal weapon trade at her club.Section 31 GalleryThus, a ragtag group of zany, Guardians-esque characters are dispatched to intercept and prevent this dangerous development. In addition to the cool guy leader (Omari Hardwick), theres a quippy shapeshifter (Sam Richardson, who does the best he can with this material, and comes out of Section 31 okay), an Im the Juggernaut, bitch! type mecha brute (Robert Kazinsky), a sexy Deltan (Humberly Gonzalez), and a wacky Vulcan (Sven Ruygrok) who actually is not a Vulcan, but rather a microscopic organism in a tiny spaceship inside a Vulcan-shaped Golem body. (Think Men in Black.) When his little ship moves around it looks and sounds like the flying cars from The Jetsons, which is unintentionally hilarious. Embedded with this bickering crew is an observer from Starfleet, a young woman named Rachel Garrett (Kacey Rohl), who hardcore fans know will grow to become a pre-Picard Captain of the Enterprise. Garretts presence, combined with that of a figure from Georgious past, throw the when of Section 31 into utter confusion as if Sweeny tossed the nerds a bone by giving us people we kinda recognize, but made no attempt to actually make the fit within a consistent timeline. Agonizing over this, however, is the least of anyones worries, because the rest of this movie is so dreadfully dull.Section 31 will infuriate Star Trek fans and bore everyone else.With Georgiou (who, mind you, viciously murdered thousands, including her parents and baby brother) part of the new, fun Section 31 gang, we experience some hijinks, like a phase-shield fight with the arms smuggler which was done a lot both versions) and a runaway train-style chase straight out of Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom,Even with the golden opportunity to play interplanetary outlaws, none of the cast (except Richardson) are anything but annoying. Blame can be spread around, though. Theres not just unoriginal writing, but totally uninspired direction. When the team all present themselves for Georgiou once shes officially been recruited, everyone stands still on their mark and barks backstory at her with an almost defiant lack of pizzazz. These lugubrious deliveries are intercut by editing that tries to add spice, but winds up disquieting and feels forced. Yeoh is chomping up every moment, which actually worked on Discovery when she was a supporting character playing off Sonequa Martin-Green or Anthony Rapp. But when shes in the center seat, her dry, haughty tone quickly becomes irritating. The great athleticism of her fight scenes aside, theres not much thats likable here.Theres a lot more fighting, a lot more chasing, and several examples in which the writing seems dictated from TikTok of three years ago. Youre a chaos goblin! the future Captain Garrett is told. I love that for us, she responds to a later prompt. Most importantly, there are none of the thought provoking elements that make Star TrekPlayThe weirdest thing is that this little cul-du-sac in the Star TrekLower DecksAs such, its best to just consider Section 31 an aberration and move on. If Ive learned anything from Starfleet, its to keep positive. Im simply dispatching a warning buoy to all other ships to avoid this area of space and warping out of here.