New Research Reveals How Long It Actually Takes To Get Over An Ex
Are you afraid to admit that, after all this time, youre still not over your ex? New research ... More reveals that in all likelihood, youre definitely not alone. Heres why.gettyAsk 10 people how long they think it takes to truly get over an ex, and youll likely get 10 different answers. Some people say months, others say years and some might even say days. Many people also firmly believe the common saying that it takes around half the duration of the relationship itself.However, based on March 2025 research published in Social Psychological and Personality Science, we now have a more definitive answer.In a study including over 300 participants, researchers Jia Y. Chong and R. Chris Fraley sought to place a timeline on how long it really takes for individuals to fully relinquish their attachment to a former partner and the final results were dumbfounding.According to the study, participants attachment to their exes were only halfway dissolved after 4.18 years. In other words, on average, it can take up to eight whole years to well and truly be over an ex-lover.As the authors explain, these results were influenced by a variety of variables. In most cases, however, the eight-year timeline was most strongly influenced by two: attachment style and continued contact with the ex.If you, like many others, are shocked (or perhaps even validated) by these results, youre most certainly not alone. Yet, despite the astonishing numbers, these findings make perfect sense in the broader context of research on love, attachment and breakups.Here are three primary reasons behind this timeline.1. Emotional ImprintingFor many people, romantic experiences can have life-long neurological and emotional impacts. According to renowned 2005 fMRI research by the late anthropologist Helen Fisher as lead author, love is primarily considered a motivational state, rather than an emotional one at least, to your brain.Neurotransmitters like oxytocin, dopamine and norepinephrine are all released, each of which contribute to the feeling of attachment and reward. The dopamine release, in particular, can have neurological effects that mirror those of drug addiction. Similarly, cortisol and serotonin levels are lowered which can respectively result in lower stress and greater levels of obsession.In this sense, since your brain considers love as more of a state of motivation than it is one of emotion, it will convince you to do whatever it takes to stay in love. Naturally, with this potent cocktail of neurotransmitters, its easy for a relationship to feel like the be-all and end-all purpose of your existence, as it can alter the very functioning of your brain. So, when a relationship ends, it can feel shattering.Disregarding this as mere a heartbreak would be wrong. Because love impacts the brains reward system, itd be more appropriate to liken it to the psychological effects of withdrawal.That daily hit of dopamine you once got from hearing their voice, seeing their name on your screen or being wrapped up in your shared routines? Gone. This is why, even when you know the breakup was for the best, your brain still protests; its trying to rewire itself without its primary source of reward.And just like any addictive pattern, that process takes time far more time than most people expect. Even if youre not actively longing for your ex years later, that old bond can still leave emotional residue. In the same way certain songs or scents can jolt you back to specific moments in your past, reminders of an ex can awaken neural pathways that were deeply carved by love and routine.And since those pathways are formed over months or even years, its understandable that they dont simply disappear after a few weeks of heartbreak. The brain needs time sometimes years to fully disassemble that mental and emotional infrastructure.2. Nonlinear GrievingEven when theyre amicable, breakups can leave us with countless unresolved feelings: a strong desire for closure, immense anger and even deep depression. If youve ever likened the experience of a breakup to grief, youd be 100% correct in saying so. In fact, 2020 research from the Adultspan Journal acknowledges that any distressing major life event including, but not limited to, breakups can result in grief.In many ways, the bereavement experienced post-breakup mirrors the Kbler-Ross stage model of grief:Denial. Refusing to believe that its true that the relationship is suddenly over. Theres no way this is happening or No, they wouldnt do this to me, are statements often made in this state.Anger. The pain transforms into blame. You might rage over how they treated you, how they moved on so fast or how unfair the timing was. This anger offers a sense of control, but it doesnt heal the wound.Bargaining. You replay conversations and situations over and over, imagining what you could have said or done to save things. Its the desperate if only phase: if only youd been better, more attentive, less anxious.Depression. The weight of reality sets in. You withdraw, ruminate and start losing interest in the things you once enjoyed together. This is where the loss feels heavy, and hopelessness creeps in.Acceptance. Eventually, you start to come to terms with the end of the relationship. You might still feel sadness, but the sharp edges slowly dull. You begin to see a future without them in it and maybe, even welcome it.The problem is that these stages rarely unfold in a neat, linear fashion. You can feel like youve fully moved on, only to see an old photo or smell a familiar scent and find yourself grieving all over again. Emotional closure doesnt always arrive when we want it to and for many, it never arrives in the clean, satisfying way we hope it will.And even once you do reach acceptance, the emotional shrapnel doesnt always dislodge entirely. You might still catch yourself wondering if they think of you. If they ever regret how things ended. If that version of you the one they knew still lives in their memory.Of course, these thoughts dont necessarily mean that you want them back. In all likelihood, theyre just echoes of the deep emotional investment you once made. Since detachment requires ongoing emotional processing the kind that can flicker in and out of your consciousness for years this could explain why, for many, fully relinquishing an ex isnt a matter of months. Its a long, slow unraveling that can stretch across a near decade of your life.3. Identity FusionOne common occurrence in long-term relationships is what psychologists refer to as enmeshment and it isnt necessarily a positive outcome. According to 2022 research, it refers to a relationship dynamic where the boundaries between individuality and togetherness become overly blurred, leading to a gradual loss of self and autonomy in each partner.In other words, me and you slowly but surely becomes we. Instead of feeling as though youre two separate individuals, you start to instead take on a joint, codependent identity.When this happens, partners start to place more importance on the needs of the relationship than their own. Their personal thoughts, feelings and desires become lower-order concerns, and partners become an extension of one another in terms of opinions, goals and emotions. They may even suppress their feelings or avoid asserting themselves to keep up this conjoined sense of harmony.Naturally, when these kinds of partners break up, the loss of the relationship also feels like a complete loss of self.Without that shared identity, youre suddenly left asking questions you havent asked in years or possibly ever. Who am I without this relationship? What do I want now that Im not thinking in terms of us? Your internal compass is wiped entirely clean.For some, even day-to-day decisions become difficult without the reference point of the relationship. And rebuilding your own identity one thats independent and rooted in your own values doesnt happen quickly, even less so if the enmeshment was deep or long-lasting.And for an unlucky few, even after theyve dated other people or built new relationships, that identity confusion can persist in subtle ways. You might find yourself responding to situations based on old relationship patterns. Or, you may feel like certain parts of yourself were left behind in that relationship unsure on how exactly to retrieve them.This long road back to a clear and confident sense of self thats no longer tethered to a former partner can take years. In some ways, its almost an existential crisis where youre now forced to rediscover the person you were before them.And, the rediscovery is never instant. It unfolds slowly, as life offers new opportunities to remember who you are, separate from who you were when you loved them. In this sense, its perfectly understandable that the time-stamps between lover, ex and somebody that I used to know can span over years.Still reeling from your breakup? Take this science-backed test to learn if youre ready to start your healing journey: Breakup Distress Scale
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